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There is so much I want to share... So much I feel like I need to say... But I'm going to let God lead this partial testimony as he knows what someone reading this may need to hear..... So here y'all go!
It has taken me twenty some odd years to get where I am, and I can safely say I'm still nowhere close to where I need to be. I battle with sin and temptation daily. DAILY!!!
I used to blame my parents for not beating my tail when I started acting out, for not educating me on the evil in the world, and for not showing me what a Christian in today's society has to be made of. The truth is, I knew right from wrong, but I shut the door on God. The answers were in the Good Book, but I didn't bother to open it. Then Ten Commandments were what my mom told me to live by. I knew them, but I didn't take them to heart... There was no one to blame but myself. I was saved when I was 8 years old. I remember it vividly. It was Halloween, and after a fun night of trick or treating, my mom and I sat on her bed and sorted through the goods. I came across a tiny paper booklet and felt led to read it with my mom. The little booklet told a short story of a young girl who was very sick. As she lay on her death bed an angel appeared to her and told her of Heaven and hell. I don’t remember every word, but the young girl was so saddened by her sins (yes, little people sin too) and terrified of hell as is natural, especially when so close to death. At the end of the booklet, she had complete peace after confessing her sins to God as the angel directed her to do, and asking Him to come into her heart. She was ready to start her eternal life with Jesus without fear. Her sickness and sin no longer had her bound. She passed away and went to be with Jesus. I know the difference between an emotional experience and being saved, because I KNOW Jesus came into my heart the minute I decided to take that step of faith just as that little girl had. My mom and I prayed that little prayer on the back of that booklet, and I had never felt so overwhelmingly at PEACE as I did in that moment. There was no denying it, and I have had a relationship with God through his son, Jesus Christ, ever since. It has not been a consistent one (from my end), but my soul was saved, and Jesus has never let me go.
Even though I was saved, the devil didn't want to go without a fight. He is still determined to steal my joy and even more so to silence my witness. Even today, he applauds me when I stumble because he knows my witness weakens with each mistake. He can't have my soul, but he is determined to keep me from spreading the Good News to others. I've recently realized my testimony is potentially powerful and needs to be spoken, regardless of my imperfections, because many young people may find themselves where I was. I have never been strong or courageous enough to share... but I know now is the time to do so. I pray that someone reading this realizes it's not too late to turn from sin. It's not too late to get your innocence back. God spoke to me and told me it was time to share. Clear as day, he said I needed to tell others how He has worked in my life and how He has forgiven my sins.
The sin that had me bound? Adultery.....
I was 15 when I lost my ‘innocence’. My first year of high school I fell in love with the thought of falling in love! When a senior with a mustang started giving ME attention, I was all about it! I started having tunnel vision. I didn’t listen to my parents, my siblings, even my friends who told me to stay away! The devil gave me that tunnel vision, and he sent me on a spiraling down-hill fall right by that boy’s side. In the blink of an eye, the bodily possession that was supposed to be saved for my future husband (who I was sure was that boy and his mustang) was gone. POOF! Talk about self hate after that sin was committed. A couple of weeks later, my ‘future husband’ was cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend who got a real kick out of my love-sick, puppy dog humiliation once I found out… After that, I thought there was nothing left to save. I sit here crying as I think about it. Why did I let the devil put those tunnel vision goggles on me? Why didn’t I listen to my parents, my siblings, my God who was whispering to me to, “stop... it’s not too late….”? Well you can ‘coulda, shoulda, woulda’ but you can’t change what is. If only I were as wise then as I am now. After I left my innocence with that stupid boy and his stupid car, I gave every person I dated ‘all of me’. After all, there wasn’t anything left to lose... What a silly girl I was.
I was 21 when I got pregnant, and I was on a back slide for most of the time in between then and my loss of innocence at age 15, give or take a couple of years where I recommitted my life just before slipping again. The devil knows my weaknesses (mostly wanting acceptance, as well as to have ‘fun’) and waits until I've moved just far enough away from God before bounding me in his sin. He does it to us all! It's a constant battle!! Before I became pregnant I was drinking heavily, and frequenting the bars, even on weeknights. I was addicted to smoking, and I was (obviously) committing adultery in my never ending search for ‘love’ and acceptance. I would go to extremes to try to make someone like me. My family and close friends began to notice my increasingly dangerous behavior after my 21st birthday and after I broke up with the first guy that was actually an all around ‘keeper’ in order to get back to my party girl life… The sad thing is, acquaintances had NO idea how over the edge I really was, as I was so good at hiding it. I ended up meet my daughter’s biological father in a bar. Big surprise, right? I was at the bar celebrating my very recent break away from a guy who I knew all along was just using me for sex. I was done with him! I was ready to party and be ‘strong’ and hang out with my girl to stick it to the guy who couldn’t see how much more I was than a booty call… Then, before I could even see straight from the last mistake, ‘he’ swept me right off my feet and into HIS bed, calling me his girlfriend by the nights end. He was seemingly perfect, and I was definitely tunnel versioned, once again. Silly, silly girl, here we go again. I missed my brother’s birthday party the next day to spend the day with ‘him’. He catered me, he sweet talked me, he made me feel ‘special’, and then, less than one month in, I find myself in a gas station parking lot, sucking down one last cigarette with my heart beating faster than the speed of sound as I knew I was fixing to confirm my fear and get a + sign on the pregnancy test I had just bought. The story goes on, but the moral is this:
Why did I do the things I did?? I forgot (chose to forget, really) that I already had that love and acceptance I was seeking in Jesus! I am ashamed of the sinner I was, but God has no record or account of it as I have since asked for forgiveness and TURNED from my ways. Unfortunately, I still sin, as it is human nature to do so, daily, without even trying, but I am so far from where I was that I don't even recognize myself sometimes (in a good way)! My daughter was Heaven sent, and, as corny as it sounds, I truly believe that with all my heart.
I met my husband (also Heaven sent) when I was in middle school, but we didn't form a relationship until much later. When we did reconnect years later (he is the ‘keeper’ I referred to earlier), it was a scene of pure bliss! What I had been searching for I had finally found! Love, acceptance... It was effortless. What was missing? God... I ran from my then boyfriend when the devil pointed out my insecurities and filled my head with his lies that adventures and parties and alcohol were how to really be ‘alive’ and ‘happy’. Next thing I knew, I found myself pregnant and, even more shamefully, I was unsure who the father of my child was. Talk about a fall... More like a TKO, really. But what the devil means for bad, God WILL turn to good. I may have ended up dead in a ditch somewhere had God not sent that child to me...
I spent the majority of my pregnancy disappointed in myself. I was totally anxious and terrified for the future. There were sparks of joy that I believe God ignited to help me hang on, but even when I was surrounded by family I felt so alone. The ‘Bar Romeo’ that is my child’s bio father went on to cheat on me and deny the child was his, which, as mentioned, we were not exactly sure of, so I guess that was reasonable… I guess depressed it the only word to describe that time of my life. BUT, have you ever heard of the 'peace that passeth understanding'? Well, through the depression and disappointment and sadness, God provided me with that. Because of that peace, I was able to hold my head high and make a life for me and my daughter. I graduated from college just twelve days before I gave birth. People still to this day tell me how ‘strong’ I was to have persevered like I did. I'm here to clear that up. ‘I’ did not get through anything, and ‘I’ did not deserve the new life I now have. God is the brave one. He is the one who is strong. He died to give that new life to us all! And He knew what I needed. When I wouldn't let Him give it to me and continued to turn from Him before becoming pregnant, he said, "ENOUGH!" and gave me what I needed the hard way! It was by far the hardest time of my life, but God saw me through. With tear stained cheeks, I begged Him to help me and to forgive me, and He did. And now I have a lifelong reminder in my beautiful daughter’s eyes of where I was and she is the best reason in the world to never go back!
My husband is Heaven sent for many reasons, but mostly because he helped me through it all. He was a true friend through various parts of my pregnancy, and he even came to the hospital to support me through the biggest transition of my life: motherhood. God puts people in your life for a reason. I've heard it put as people coming into your life can be a lesson or a blessing... It is clear my husband was a blessing! The next year after I had my daughter, we found ourselves right where we started: In blissful love. Two big differences existed compared to our first go at a relationship. We had a third party, my daughter, who he fell in love with immediately, and we had God! We started attending church regularly, we dedicated our little girl, we began praying together regularly.... Then, my daughter and I got our happily ever after! I married that Heaven sent man, and we made a family out of our odd situation with God right in the center. Starting a marriage with a child has proven extremely difficult. Without God we probably would have already been ripped apart by this world. Instead, our bills are paid (I fully believe that is because we tithe monthly), our bellies are full, we have a nice roof over our head, and, best of all, we, including my daughter, know the Lord, and get more and more acquainted with Him daily. We rely on Him, FULLY! We still fuss and make mistakes, but as long as we keep our eyes on God we will never have to face this world or the problems that come with it alone.
I still pay for my sins daily. I rely on God, and I get through each day only with His help. I paid thousands of dollars on a blood test before I had my daughter so that I could confirm my fears that her biological father was this person I had just met and who was not who he had made himself out to be. He’s been in and (mostly) out of my daughter’s life for the last few years, and he is still having a difficult time being a responsible adult, even at almost 30 years old. I do pray for him, and I mean that sincerely. God is still working on my heart when it comes to this person, but I know God is in control and there is nothing He can't handle! My child is now part of a ‘blended’ family. Anyone who is part of a blended family knows some of the struggles that come with it. As of now, my daughter is too young to understand it all, and I fear as she gets older and begins to learn the facts of our circumstances she will be hurt and confused. However, when these times come, I will continue to lean on The Lord for guidance. I pray for her daily. I pray that she learns to also seek God's guidance. I plan to continue to teach her by example and through the Bible. Our perfectly imperfect family will be okay, and I can say that with complete certainty thanks to my Amazing God.
What’s the point of my testimony? No matter what sins have you bound; it's not too late to turn from it. You don't have to wait until God gets fed up and shakes your whole life up! Just turn to Him and away from whatever has you bound. He's there waiting for you! He loves you and He forgives you! But just because you turn from sin doesn't mean life will be a breeze. God wants us to depend on Him! And if you're back slid and comfortable, you can bet the devil is at work... I was there, trust me! Don't let him blind you! Listen to that voice in your head and heart telling you to make a change. And act on it! I'm still learning how to listen, and that is why I'm sharing this part of my testimony. I don't particularly care to share the intimate details of my whacky life, but God told me to do so, so I must obey. I hope this helps someone in some small way, and I will be praying for everyone who is lost or on a back slide, as well as those battling sin each day. God loves you! Jesus died for you! Don't take that for granted!!
Thank you for letting me share,
-YOUR SISTER IN CHRIST
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Like she said no matter what sins have you bound its never to late to turn from it. God is always there waiting with open arms. You could never change his love for you, its unending!! Give it all to Him today and turn away from anything that is holding you back. & remember the past does not define you!
If we confesses our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
you are loved, you are forgiven, you are redeemed
His daughter,
Starla Conroy
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